


Periodic

by ElijahTheEmuMan



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Comfort, Doting Aziraphale (Good Omens), Established Relationship, M/M, Panicking, Shedding, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), crowley is cranky with aziraphale, drug mention, growley crowley, man-shaped beings, the Bentley bullies crowley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-10 13:02:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19906138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElijahTheEmuMan/pseuds/ElijahTheEmuMan
Summary: Crowley forgets an important part of his snakey biology and is cranky about it. Aziraphale has the patience of Job.





	Periodic

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever published fic, and I’m very excited about it!

Crowley woke up irritable and pissy, offended at the very notion of being awake. He tossed and turned for an hour, unable to get comfortable, before finally saying “oh, fuck it” and getting up. He figured that as long as he’s awake and cranky he might as well go be annoying. Crowley left in his Bentley for Aziraphale’s bookstore.

  
Go- Sa- Somebody’s sake, the humans on the street were even more frustrating than usual. The first person to ever experience road rage was Crowley, and he’s got it pretty bad now.

  
“USE YOUR FUCKING BLINKER!” He yelled at a car that changed lanes unexpectantly. He turned on his radio in an attempt to calm down.

  
“...I’m having such a good time, I’m having a ball…” sang the Bentley.

  
Crowley threw his head back and screeched at the top of his lungs before punching the power button.

  
Upon reaching the bookstore, Crowley parked and slammed the door shut. He crossed the street, pausing for a second to pick up a coin from the ground. It didn’t budge. He picked at it, trying and failing to pick up the coin. It was firmly attached to the pavement.

  
“I’m going to discorporate myself.” He muttered. He stomped through the door, hissing at the pleasant ringing sound. If a bell could wear pants, that particular one would’ve peed them.

  
Scowling around his sunglasses Crowley looked around the store. Aziraphale was hiding behind a bookshelf, anxiously watching a couple with several dogs looking at a book that they seemed very intent on buying. The angel was so focused, he hadn’t seen the demon yet.

  
Spotting an opportunity to be obnoxious, Crowley schooled his features into a Patented Customer Service Smile, then sauntered over to the two humans.

  
“Good morning! Is there something I can help you with?” He asked, flashing a smile.

  
“Oh! Yes, we’d like to buy this please,” One of the humans said. He was holding...well Crowley didn’t really know what it was. Some kind of rodent, maybe? It had huge ears and was staring very intently at Crowley, like it could see into his soul. He decided that he didn’t like it. Pushing down the desire to eat the weird creature, Crowley escorted the pair over to the counter, where he rung them up. While the two humans bickered over who was going to pay for it, “I’ll do it.” “Nope! I’ll buy it!”, Crowley peeked over to catch Aziraphale’s face. Sure enough, it was part betrayed and part incredulous.

  
Once the humans came to a compromise, they herded their dogs and...thing...out of the store.

  
Aziraphale appeared at Crowley’s side. “My dear boy, why would you do that? That veterinary textbook was very old and very valuable!”

  
Crowley furrowed his brows. “Those kids were like, early twenties, why the fuck would they buy some old ass vet book?”

  
“That’s not the point, and you know it. Why do you do these infuriating things?”

  
“Uh, I’m a demon?” Crowley flicked his hand out in a “duh” type gesture.

  
“Well I thwart you by demanding you take me to brunch. You can’t sell any more of my books if we’re out.” Aziraphale patted Crowley’s cheek in an equally infuriating manner, then went off to put his coat on.

~

Now, Crowley doesn’t eat as much as Aziraphale (although who does, really?), but sometimes he steals bits of the angel’s food when he thought Aziraphale wasn’t looking. Aziraphale saw it every single time it happened, but he always pretended he didn’t. But today, Crowley wasn’t eating anything. He wasn’t really talking either. He just sat there and listened to his angel going on about...who really knows because Crowley wasn’t paying any attention.

  
A hand landed on Crowley’s shoulder. “Crowley!”

  
Crowley just about jumped out of his skin. “Don’t touch me!” He growled.

  
Aziraphale whipped his hand away like well, a whip. “I didn’t mean to startle you, my dear, but I said your name several times and you weren’t responding. Did you hear what I was saying?”

  
“Angel, if I didn’t hear you saying my name, then I didn’t hear what you said,” Crowley said, scratching his neck. “And you didn’t ssstartle me, I wass just uhh...my uhh battle instinctss they got the better of me. Yeah.”

  
Aziraphale nodded indulgently. “Of course, dear.” Battle instincts, my ass. Aziraphale thought to himself. “I was talking about the dog this morning. Have you ever seen a chihuahua that small?”

  
“A whatnow?”

  
“A chihuahua, Crowley. It’s a type of small dog. I’m fairly certain you got a commendation for their creation.”

  
“Oh, you mean thosse little yippy dogssss? Iss that what that wass? I thought it wass a rat,” Crowley said, his hiss still pretty prominent from having been startled. “I wanted to eat it. In fact, it wassss the only thing I’ve wanted to eat all day.”

  
“My dear boy, you can’t eat pets.”

  
“It was bald, angel! Bald! And it definitely knowsss I’m a demon! I don’t trusst it.”

  
“You’re being irrational. It’s not like its going to come back and try to exorcise you or anything. It’s a dog.” Aziraphale pinched the bridge of his nose.

  
“Maybe it wassssssss a demon in dissssssguissse and it wasssss casssing your ssssssstore.”

“It was dressed like a bumblebee!”

  
“The perfect disssguisse. You’d never ssssusssspect a dog in a sweater to be a ssssspy.”

Aziraphale grabbed Crowley’s chin and looked through his lenses to look at his eyes. “Are you on drugs, my dear? Did you do a weed? Eat some coke?”

“Ngk...angel, that’ss...ackh...you don’t...you’re ssuch a dumbasss!” His hiss was calming down but now he was snapping.

“Now theres no need to be snippy. Are you in shed?” Aziraphale asked, innocently.

Crowley did a wonderful impression of a Big Mouth Billy Bass with no sound. He started waving his hands around while squawking.

“I can’t believe you ssssssaid that! Am I in shed? No, I’m not in shed! I’m just in a bad mood!” He took a drink from his coffee, and if there was a little extra something something miracled into it, oh well. “Jusssst becaussssssse I’m irritable doesssssn’t mean I’m about to shed! Of all the ignorant…guh, that’ssssss ssssso rude of you! Am I not allowed to be cranky? I’m more than jusssssssssst a sssssssssnake, Azsssssssiraphale!”

Aziraphale put his hands up apologetically. “Please forgive me, dear, I didn’t mean to be insensitive.”

Crowley crossed his arms and grumbled. What an awful day he’s been having. He downed his coffee and stood to leave, followed by Aziraphale. And if Aziraphale had an amused little smirk on his lips, Crowley definitely didn’t see it.

~

The next day Aziraphale was in the store, “cleaning”. And by cleaning I of course mean covering things with dust and freshening the mildew smell in that one spot. He was closed, but that didn’t stop Crowley from sauntering right in, flicking his tongue out to lick his lips. Crowley quickly crossed the floor and seized Azirphale’s face in his hands before planting a kiss on him.

“Oh! Why hello there!” Aziraphale said in between kisses. “You seem in a better mood.”

“Crowley smiled sheepishly at his angel. “I felt bad for being so grumpy with you yesterday. I’m sorry, angel.” His tongue flicked out again.

“Oh, I forgive you my dear.” Crowley blushed at Aziraphale’s words, as he always does when he’s forgiven by him.

“I thought we could uh go for a walk or go on a picnic or something,” Crowley said, smooching Aziraphale’s curls a couple of times.

“Of course, dear, I’d love to. Let’s go for a walk.” Aziraphale smiled.

Crowley took Aziraphale’s hand in his own, licked his lips again, and they walked out onto the sidewalk.

They walked companionably along, chatting and being mushy. They got hotdogs, and Aziraphale ended up eating Crowley’s. Every time they heard that distinctive chihuahua bark, Crowley would cryptically sing-song “You’re welcome~” to the owners. It made Aziraphale laugh at the absurdity of it.

“Do you need chapstick?” Aziraphale suddenly asked after seeing Crowley lick his lips for the 57th time that day.

Crowley froze. “Uhh, no.”

“They why do you keep licking your lips?”

“Uh, why aren’t you licking your lipsss?” Crowley responded, lamely.

“I don’t need to?” Aziraphale squinted at his demon.

Crowley started stuttering and hissing, most undignified, and tripped over a piece of crooked sidewalk. Fortunately, Aziraphale caught him, so he didn’t end up on the ground or anything.

“My dear boy, please watch where you’re going! You could’ve hurt yourself!”

“I can’t watch where I’m going, I can’t sssssee!” Crowley turned beet red and slapped a hand over his mouth.

Aziraphale stood very still, staring very intently at the rather slithery looking demon in his arms. Then he gasped and pulled Crowley’s sunglasses off. His eyes, usually bright yellow, were a cloudy blue.

“I knew it! That’s why you keep sticking you tongue out! You weren’t licking your lips, you were scenting the air. You are in shed!” Aziraphale whispered intensly at Crowley.

Crowley turned even more red. “Yesssssssss, I woke up in blue today...I’m ssssssso sssssssssorry, angel. Er, again.”

Aziraphale shook his head and chuckled. “Let’s go home.” With a wave of Aziraphale’s hand, they were in Crowley’s flat. Here, Crowley knew where everything was, and Aziraphale knew he wouldn’t be bumping into anything. Aziraphale hoisted Crowley up in his arms, triggering some rather adorable sputtering. He carried his demon into his room and deposited him in bed, then threw a blanket over him so he could hide. “You rest, I’ll be back,” Aziraphale said to the Crowley shaped bump in the blankets. Crowley wouldn’t be shedding for about a week still, but Aziraphale knew what his man-shaped-being liked.  
He watched as the man-shaped lump turned into a snake-shaped lump, which then turned into a sort of donut-shaped lump. Crowley had coiled up. Aziraphale patted the snake-turned-donut-shaped lump fondly, then left the room to get things ready. He zipped over to his place real quick to grab some things. Last shed had been spent at Aziraphale’s.

Setting things up was a lot easier to do in Crowley’s flat than it was in Aziraphale’s. It was less cluttered and more spacious. Aziraphale set to his task of rearranging, blowing some kisses to the plants while he did so. Where the couch was, there was now several large rocks. In the middle of the space Aziraphale set up a large inflateable pool and filled it with water. It would magically stay at about 28 degrees Celsius. Despite being an immortal being, Crowley was currently a snake, and snakes required certain things so they don’t get sick. Like 28 degree water to soak in. The last thing Aziraphale set up was a shoebox with a hole in the side that he’d miracled rather large. He filled it with moss and sprayed it with Crowley’s plant mister. The humidity in the flat rose by Aziraphale’s command.

He went back to the bedroom, and uncovered Crowley the snake-turned-donut-shaped lump. There he was, curled up and just a bit bigger than he was back in the garden. Crowley flicked his tongue out, which told Aziraphale that he was still awake.

“It’s all done, my dear, you can come soak if you’d like.”

“Yessssssss, angel, letsssssssss go ssssssssssee your work,” Crowley hissed, unwinding his long, sinuous body and slithering down to the floor. Aziraphale watched as Crowley seemed to just keep going, uncoiling and uncoiling and uncoiling. He was so long. Aziraphale blushed. If he said that out loud, Crowley would probably make a dirty joke.

Aziraphale followed the massive snake through the flat, watching his forked tongue flick out more so to compensate for his lake of sight. Crowley inspected each rock, memorizing where each one was. He tested the temperature of the pool, found it satisfactory and slid in. It was filled up enough to just cover him, and still let him stick his head up. He sighed and soaked for a moment. Aziraphale stroked Crowley’s back, and if snakes could purr, that one would have been, but even though they both hiss, snakes are not cats. Although, Fun Fact, cats hiss specifically to imitate snakes.

After Crowley was done in the pool, about fifteen minutes, he crawled out and into the humidity box. He found the box to also be satisfactory, and slithered out to go to Aziraphale. Crowley climbed up the angel’s body and rested his chin on Aziraphale’s shoulder.

“Thank you, angel, itsssssss perfect.”

Aziraphale very gently kissed Crowley’s snoot. Crowley’s tongue flicked out to hit Aziraphale’s cheek, a snakey kiss. Hefting up the rest of Crowley’s length, Aziraphale carried him over to the throne and plopped down, heaving a sigh. On Crowley’s desk, Aziraphale miracled a stack of his books and a mug of cocoa into place. Crowley flicked his tongue out, smelled the cocoa and stuck his nose in it to slurp up a couple drinks. Aziraphale laughed.

Crowley rested his head on Aziraphale’s shoulder again, nuzzling. Aziraphale picked up a book and started reading. Aziraphale barely got one page read when Crowley spoke.

  
“How did you know I wassssss in shed? Lucky guesssssss?”

“No, its just that time,” Aziraphale answered, not looking up from his book.

Crowley was silent for a second. And then,

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Aziraphale sighed and put his book down. “You shed every four months, my dear boy. I have it in my calendar so I can expect it.”

Crowley whipped around so he could look at Aziraphale straight on, and then seemed to remember that he couldn’t see, and put his head back down. “You track when I shed??”

“Of course I do. You don’t, so someone has to. Obviously.”

Crowley moved his mouth to silently mock Aziraphale.

“You’re very regular, dear, I don’t know how you always forget,” Aziraphale said, picking his book back up.

Crowley sputtered and hissed some more, but he settled down when Aziraphale started skritching his chin.

Aziraphale spends the whole week at Crowley’s flat, and Crowley spends the whole time as a snake. Sometimes he’d snuggle on Aziraphale’s lap, sometimes he’d hide in the humidity box. He climbed over his rocks, and soaked in his bath. He wouldn’t eat, and sometimes was still grumpy, but quickly forgiven. His eyes cleared up, and he was able to see again. Crowley kept trying to initiate various shenanigans with Aziraphale, but the angel just smiled and told him to wait until after his shed. More grumpy Crowley after that. Just when Crowley thought he’d go crazy, he felt the skin around his mouth peel.

“Ohhhhh yessssssss!” Crowley moaned, immediately curling around one of his rocks.

Aziraphale watched lovingly while Crowley undulated and started leaving his old skin. It took all night. Aziraphale nodded off at some point, and was awoken by a very panicked Crowley climbing onto him.

“Angel! Azsssssiraphale! My eye capsssssss are ssssssstuck! I can’t get them off! Azsssssssssiraphale!” Crowley was yelling. Indeed, his eyes were yellow, but a little cloudy.

Aziraphale immediately started stroking Crowley’s head and body. “Crowley, my dear, its quite alright, I’ll help you get them off, shh shh shh.”  
It took a minute to calm Crowley down, but once he did, Aziraphale helped him into the pool, still miraculously warm. Crowley slid into the water, just his nose sticking up so he could breathe.

Aziraphale kept up his stroking, and comforting babbling. “Yes, that’s right dear. Just soak for a few minutes, that’s it. Look how beautiful you’re scales are, so shiny and lovely.” And so on. Crowley relaxed more and more under Aziraphale’s ministrations, his scales still sensitive from the shed.

When the soak was done, Aziraphale lifted Crowley up and took him to his room. He laid Crowley down on the bed, and appearified some tape to his hand. Crowley looked at the tape and hissed.

“What are you going to do with that?” He demanded.

“I’m going to use it to get your eye caps off. Hold still.” Aziraphale wrapped a piece of tape around his finger, sticky side out. With his other hand he kept up petting Crowley, and with the finger with the tape, he very carefully touched the stuck scale. Crowley whimpered a little, but Aziraphale started back up with his “It’s okay, my dear boy, its alright, I’ve got you.”

Very gently, ever so very gently, Aziraphale started moving his finger back and forth horiozontally. He kept up the praise and petting as he did so.

“That’s right, you’re doing great, such a good boy.”

With a little gasp from Crowley, the eye cap slid off.

“Ah ha! Look at that, dear, its off! Let’s get that other one.” Aziraphale put the scale to the side and got some fresh tape. He repeated the process on the other eye, never relenting in his comfort of the large, nervous snake.

“Shh shh shh, I have you, we’re almost done, I love you so much.” The second eye cap popped off.

Crowley sighed happily, and changed back into a man-shaped being. He stretched his arms and legs, wiggling his bare toes. Crowley spotted the abandoned eye caps, and pointed at them. “Begone, you!” The eye caps disappeared in two little sparks of flame.

Aziraphale sighed, and miracled up a large glass of water for Crowley.

“Thank you, angel I’m parched.” Crowley took the glass, and Aziraphale watched while Crowley downed the whole thing at once.

Crowley leaned back and wiggled around in the bed. Then he stuck his leg in the air. “Angel, feel how sssssoft my legsssss are!”

Aziraphale laughed and felt the offered leg. It was indeed very soft and shiny. Crowley pulled Aziraphale into and embrace and kissed him on the mouth.

“Thank you for helping me,” Crowley nuzzled into Aziraphale’s chest.

“Anytime, my dear.” Aziraphale kissed Crowley’s shiny hair.

They snuggled for awhile, Aziraphale was certain that Crowley had fallen asleep. Shedding is hard work, after all. But Crowley lifted his head up and looked Aziraphale right in the eye.

“You need to show me your calendar!”

**Author's Note:**

> This is more or less a period joke. I hope you liked it! My tumblr is @elijah-beth 💙


End file.
